Letting Go

My heart was shredded today, left bleeding on a table, and then patched back up. I don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. Today, in Clay Circuit court, our guardianship of my beautiful grand-daughter came to an end.
We reached an agreement with Jade’s mom for visitation (very liberal, I will add because Jadie will be staying with us except for three days a week). This visitation will be written into the agreement and become an order of the court. Jadie’s mom, Ken, and I all agreed that until after Jadie’s father’s trial, her uncle D.J. will continue to pick her up on Tuesdays and take her to see her dad for half an hour and then D.J. and his family can spend time with Jadie.
Jadie’s dad was in the court room today, and let me tell you, it was horrible to see him in striped pajamas and shackled with a waist chain, hand-cuffed to that waist chain, and fettered around the ankles. I am in no way condoning what he has done—but, for a while there, he seemed to have his life in order. What made it so horrible was at no time did he ever once admit that where he was and the circumstances he found himself in were his fault, through his choices. He made promises that I’ve heard over and over in the past six years, promises to do better when he is released, promises to never put her in harm’s way…
And, I have to trust that Jadie’s mom will abide by the court order. A large part of me believes she will, because she does love her daughter very much and says she wants what is best for Jadie. Yet, there is so much broken trust between the two of us.

I’m just going to have to let go and pray. And, I’m not really good at letting go…
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